My Thoughts

The Picture Says It All

Sun, 24 Jan 2010 13:16:05 -0800

I have been sick this week.

Actually, that is an understatement, to say the least. You are sick when you have a cold, a cough, maybe a sore throat. Something that bothers you enough to keep you home from work for a day. Hell, sometimes we don’t even need something like that to keep us home from work for day. There’s a reason why Friday and Monday are the most-popular sick days of the week.

No, what I had this week was like something out of the Middle Ages. The bug hit on a Friday afternoon, settled in over the Martin Luther King Jr. three-day weekend, didn’t relegate at all when I went in to work on Tuesday--only to make sure we wouldn’t be left in the lurch with our coverage of IBM’s earnings, certainly the most-boring of all the earnings reports I do--and, due to my willingness to bleed for my employer, I made myself sick enough to stay home for the next three days.

The congestion was such that I turned into an automatic alarm clark, coughing myself awake practically every hour on the hour for nights on end, often waking Megan up in the process. The benefit of this all is that, because of a visit to my doctor, I am now enjoying several days’ worth of antibiotics, chased with Robitussin and codeine. I call it Rex’s Delight.

Anyone who has been sick enough to need antibiotics, and who lives with a wife and a toddler can probably guess how things turned out. I won’t go so far as to call it The Plague, but it cut a swath through my house that soon made us all sound like we belonged in a 19th Century tuberculosis ward.

By Wednesday, Madeline was running a fever and needed to be brought home from daycare due to the fear that she had pink eye. I don’t think I have seen anyone with pink eye since my college frat days. Luckily, her doctor said the daycare’s pink eye diagnosis was off the mark, but Madeline’s 102.7 degree fever and her symphony of baby coughs weren’t.

She needed to stay home. So much for me just resting and trying to get better on my own. It only got better,

By the time Megan got home from work on Friday, she was in Full Consumption mode herself. My wife is awesome, but she is a terrible patient and she knows it. She will tell me she is hungry and “needs protein,” only to shoot down each of the four meat offering I will make to her. I can mention something as simple as Wonder Bread and she will turn into Usain Bolt, racing to the bathroom to get sick. She has taken over the coughing-every-hour through the night routine as I am down to the odd-occasional hack and wheeze. It is now Sunday as I write this, and she is upstairs, coughing away like old coal-fired train engine and surrounded by Mt. Kleenex. Madeline, for her part, last night actually managed to get back to sleeping through the night. We’ll see if she can go two-for-two tonight.

Tomorrow I will try to venture back to the working world. I didn’t know I was back in third grade because I have to bring a note from my doctor attesting that he treated me and I wasn’t faking all the artwork I coughed up for the better part of last week. I asked the doctor to sign in “Epstein’s Mother.”

It’s A Wonderful Life, Indeed

Wed, 6 Jan 2010 17:42:15 -0800

Christmas and New Year’s are always an interesting and busy time of the year. Between losing your salary on gifts and losing your sanity trying to get the gifts you need, it’s a wonder there aren’t more strokes during the last two weeks of the year.

This year was particularly crazy, due to us having a birthday party for Madeline just two days after Christmas. What follows is a sort-of running diary of the Glorious Insanity of the Holiday Season at the Crum Castle.
 Dec. 21: Worked. Picked up Maddo from daycare, then picked up my mom at the Oakland Airport.  Dec. 22: Worked. Had a small birthday gathering of me, mom, Megan and Maddo for the little girl's official first birthday.  Dec. 23: Worked the "late shift"...Meaning 9-5. Went directly to a bar/restaurant called Town Hall were I poured a Bombay Sapphire and tonic, and then a Bombay Sapphire martini down my gullet while awaiting the arrival of Megan and our friends Rich and Mara. Had to tell the dumb chick bartender to shake NOT STIR the martini. The four of us had dinner, then went to see a Cirque du Soleil show. Got to bed around 12:30...This would be the only time during two weeks that Megan and I got out together and had a grandma babysit.  Dec. 24: Worked a half day. Had a couple of rum-filled egg nogs with the other six guys in the office. Fought humanity to a standstill going to pick up a Honeybaked Ham and the grocery store. Then went to Rich and Mara's for a birthday party for their son, who was born the day before Maddo and is her "baby boyfriend." That evening, took said ham and other food to have dinner with Megan's Crazy and Very Old Aunt Iris at her old folks apartment.  Dec. 25. Got up. Waited until damn near 1 p.m. for Megan's dad to arrive with his wife and her daughter so we could finally open presents. Megan got me a kick-ass Canon digital SLR. Then went to Megan's uncle Steve's for dinner that night.  Dec. 26: Steffie, Megan's birth mother, arrived from New York. Spent most of the day getting the place ready for Maddo's Big First Birthday Party the next day.  Dec. 27: Maddo's Big First Birthday Party. About 25 people came and being right on the heels of Christmas, there was a Mt. Rainier-sized level of loot, wrapping paper and leftover cake and ice cream. Also, something screwed up the video camera so all the vid. that was shot is gone. Which is awesome.  Dec. 28: Got yelled at for innumerable transgressions as Megan began the task of writing Thank You notes. Took mom and Steffie out to dinner at a place called Somerset where i had the best damn non-Rex Crum-made pork chop of my life. This thing was as tender as a ribeye steak. Nearly spit out a mouthful of wine when Steffie let it drop that she had NEVER HEARD OF Fleetwood Mac. Surreal.  Dec. 29: Got up. Took mom for breakfast and then to the airport for her flight home. I then went to the gym, then home, and undoubtedly did multiple chores that I have since forgotten.  Dec. 30: Took Maddo to the Doc. for a regular check up. She weighs 22 lbs. 5 oz and is 2.5 ft. tall/long. She also got her measles, mumps, rubella, chicken pox and second H1N1 flu shots, so she was happy after that. Then went to the suburban shopping Mecca of Walnut Creek, CA., where we wandered in and out of many stores designed to Hoover out what was left of your Christmas-battered wallet. Also went to Target, which is a minimum $100 visit by the time you're done just getting toothpaste and deodorant.  Dec. 31: New Year's Eve. I don't remember much about the day aside from that I went to the gym at about 5 a.m. We went to Rich and Mara's for Chinese food and, for Rich and I, several refreshing Bombay Sapphire and Tonics. Damn, that's a good drink. At 8 p.m. we rang in the New Year...Which it was, in Nova Scotia. Megan learned that Nova Scotia is in Canada. Then went home where we put Maddo to bed and I proceeded to spend the next three hours giving myself whiplash as I kept falling asleep in my chair and my head bobbled like a bowling pin. I don't think that simile works, but whatever. Saw Dick Clark Rock-In The New Year and then went to bed.  Jan. 1: Made breakfast. Megan and Steffie then met some friend of Megan's for lunch. I put Maddo down for a nap and she became the Best Daughter Ever by sleeping through nearly all of Ohio State's win over Oregon in the Rose Bowl. I think we ordered some Italian food for dinner.  Jan. 2: Jebus...I think we went back to Target where I dropped $172 on all kinds of stuff, then the grocery story where my wallet was made lighter by another $115 so we could get steaks and other stuff for Steffie's last dinner. The ladies had filet mignon and I had a ribeye that was perfectly burned on the outside and red as Communism on the inside.   Jan. 3: Took Steffie to SFO for her flight home. Then we went home and spent the rest of the day cleaning. Didn't get a chance to watch any football.  Been back at work since. Life is awesome.  Oh...But one last thing. The Dallas Morning News ran my capsule hotel story in the Sunday travel section. The check for $400 should be on the way...And will just barely cover this month's gas/electric bill...Here's the link... Read it and pass it along.

Looking Smarter Than Ever

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 10:41:54 -0800

Retail is one of the hardest games to be in, and I sure wouldn’t want to be in it.

If you can survive the crush of sickening humanity bumbling and banging its way down the walkway of nearly ever suburban shopping mall, you’ll see anywhere from 63 to 142 shops catering to whatever is the latest clothing trend that has passed you by by at least 15 years. I don’t know how any of them stay in business, but last weekend they all appeared full of every 14-to-24-year-old in Northern California who had just stolen their parents’ credit cards and were out on a spree.

I’d say the highlight was walking by some joint called Torrid Plus Size Fashion. In the window, some likely graduates of the local Beauty Academy were giving free makeovers to a few gals who looked like they spent too much time at the Mongolian BBQ buffet. The makeovers were part of an effort to create the most-whorish look possible for a runway show right in the middle of that store. The girl from “The Exorcist” looked better when Satan was crawling out of her throat.

Then there are the “anchor stores” such as Nordstrom, Macy’s and my personal favorite, JC Penney. All of these businesses claim to be fighting for their lives, but there is one place in Penney’s where the retail pulse is pumping mightily and that is in the photo studio. I know this because my wife and I took our daughter there for some one-year-old birthday and Christmas photos.

When you are a parent, you find that you take a lot more pictures than before your kid came along. When you get off the couch and walk over the refrigerator, or operate a spoon and eat your dinner on your own, that’s no big deal, especially when you are 502 months old. But when you 11-month old daughter does it? Better have at least 4-gigabytes of storage in your digital camera and keep your video camera handy. And make no mistake, you WILL have a video camera, because not only will you and your wife want copies of everything, so will all of your relatives, especially when your kid is the only granddaughter in the family.

But let’s face it…Most of us take pictures the way Tiger Woods pulls out his driveway at 2:30 in the morning. Thus, the trip to the local JCPenney photo studio.

So, Penney’s may not have the cachet of Anne Geddes or the snobbery of your local, private, yuppie photographer. It also doesn’t come with $100 sitting fees, nor does it charge you $500 for a single 8x10 of your kid shoving a cupcake into her face. And, oh how adorable that was when our daughter nearly did so last Saturday. I think if Madeline had her way, cupcakes would be part of a baby’s regular daily diet.

And since everything your kid does is damn-straight adorable, you can forget about getting that “family package” of one 8x10, two 5x7s, four 3.5x5s and eight wallets for $29.99. We figured we would probably get about six sheets of pictures, spend about $50 to $60 and then be on our way to Red Robin for lunch.

But your kid is only going to be one once. And when you start looking at all the proof sheets, that’s where Penney’s knows its got you. This was our third trip to Penney’s since Madeline has been born and I am more convinced than ever that the photo studio is a profit-making goldmine, especially since everything is now digital and they don’t have to keep an arsenal of dark room equipment, nor dark rooms to store it all.

Twenty two sheets and $130 later we were done. Much thanks to the manager who slid us a 50% discount…Although something tells me everyone gets this “discount” and the regular price hasn’t been paid by anyone since the Internetterwebs went active. We tried to avoid anything cheesy or too cutesy…The five shirtless brothers showing off their fake “Granny” tattoos in one of the example photos were enough to beg me off of any staging other than a Christmas tree, a cupcake and our daughter’s awesome adorability.

It made walking by that whorrific runway show worth it.

A Winter Cleaning

Wed, 9 Dec 2009 10:36:01 -0800

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam…

Not much meat in today’s post, just a look at the kinds of spam emails one gets out of the blue…All sender names and subject lines are reprinted exactly as they appear in my spam folder.

Sender: angellovingu Subject: XXX Comments: I had no idea “angel” was loving me. Does my wife know this? And why do we always use “XXX”? Why not one more “X” there? Although I think “XXXX” (Four X) is the name of a beer in Australia.

Sender: Parcel Delivery Subject: PS3 Delivery Comments: Does it come with the new “Call of Duty” war game? 
Sender: lovelyladylumps Subject: I’m smart AND sexy! Comments: Her parents must be so proud. 
Sender: Washington State University Foundation Subject: You can start a Ripple Effect with WSU for the Holidays Comments: Looks like my alma mater wants me to give $16 to “make a positive impact on an entire village in Malawi.” Can WSU guarantee me the money will help prevent Madonna from adopting another African kid? 
Sender: shippinginfo
Subject: Dell Notice – Delivery delay
Comments: I have a Dell at work. If this new one works anything like the one in the office, please, keep delaying its delivery.

Sender: Knetgolf Sales Update
Subject: 15% Off All Titleist Golf Balls
Comments: The last time I played golf was almost five years ago. I can think of few things I would like to do less than get up before sunrise to make a tee time. Even if the balls were 100% off, I’d pass on the offer.

Sender: leighaaxann
Subject: I’m looking for a sugar daddy!
Comments: So am I, leighaaxann. Well, at least I could use some more sugar, minus the daddy.

Sender: ORACLE Arena Subject: Special pre-sale ticket offer for Michael Buble concert at ORACLE Arena
Comments: I can’t name a single song, or note that this guy has sung. And at “special” pre-sale prices of $52, $73.50, $99.75, and $102.75, I don’t plan on hearing him any time soon.

Sender: The Onion Store Subject: 20% Off Your Order – Help Us Help You Help Us Make More Money
Comments: Nothing like a little Onion crabbiness at Christmastime.

Sender: VIAGRA Pfizer Inc.
Subject: Dear rexpresto@yahoo.com 78% OFF on Pfizer. Comments: Is that 78% off of Viagra or Pfizer’s stock?

Sender: wildestscreams Subject: Oh, so discreet
Comments: How discreet? I probably shouldn’t find out.

Sender: princesspants Subject: You know you want this!
Comments: I think “princesspants” could either be the next great put down or chick heavy metal band.

Sender: FedEx COURIERS SERVICE
Subject: YOUR PARCEL IS REGISTERED WITH US: THE FEDERAL EXPRESS COURIERS SERVICE
Comments: I GUESS THE FEDERAL EXPRESS COURIERS SERVICE IS THE PONY EXPRESS OF THE 21ST CENTURY?

Sender: thequeenoft*ts
Subject: Do you think these are real? XXX
Comments: Well, um…uh…yeah…I mean…uh…sure?

Sender: wsualum@wsu.edu
Subject: CougNews December 4, 2009
Comments: I’ve had enough Coug News about how bad the WSU football team (1-11) was this year. I don’t need any more.

Sender: Alaska Airline Mileage Plan Subject: Earn Bonus Miles and More This Holiday Season Comments: Whatever it takes to get me a couple of free tickets.

Wazzu...Flat On Its Back

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:27:52 -0800

In my last post, I mentioned how the inadvertent smack of my phone against the hard wood of my front deck got the LG Rumor back in action more than two weeks after it took a plunge in my toilet.

Stretching the toilet and getting-dropped-like a hot rock metaphor to its logical extreme, I wanted to believe this past weekend that, after being in the toilet all football season, my alma mater, Washington State, would have taken getting pounded by Arizona, 48-7, as a wake-up call and put together a respectable and winning performance against UCLA on a Dad’s Weekend at home in Pullman.

I was wrong to hope.

Wazzu quarterback Marshall Lobbestael threw three-straight interceptions to start the “game” for the Cougars. Yes, you read that right. Three back-to-back-to-back interceptions to the Bruins. In the first quarter. Before the quarter was half over. The passes looked great, especially if you were a Bruin defender who seemed to know the Wazzu passing routes better that the Cougars’ quarterback or receiver corps.

Amazingly, UCLA’s offense only managed to turn two of those interceptions into touchdowns, but that didn’t matter. WSU has been outscored something like 714-3 in the first quarter this season and with the Bruins up 14-0, the game was already over. They got a quick TD in the second, were up 26-0 by halftime, and much of the stadium was gone and hitting the bars by the time the Cougars came back on the field for the third quarter.

The napalming of the WSU football team was official with a 43-7 loss. It was the fourth-straight game that the Cougs had given up 40 or more points and the eighth time they have surrendered at least 30 points in a game this season. It would be optimistic to say at least Wazzu hasn’t given up 60 points in a game this year—like the Cougars did four times a year ago, but it doesn’t matter. As of this writing the team is 1-9, with Oregon State coming to Pullman, and then a trip to Seattle to likely get hammerjacked by the 3-7 University of Washington Huskies in the Apple Cup.

There is almost no amount of hyperbole that is too strong to describe the on-field abortions that Wazzu has put on display this season. The team is so bad that getting out of the first quarter against UCLA with only a 14-0 deficit was a success. They also gave up a safety when the punter let a snap bobble its way out the back of the end zone like a drunk falling off a barstool. In the Arizona game, the Cougars allowed the Wildcats to take the opening kickoff back for a touchdown, and then let a punt get returned for another six points. Their only national TV appearance was courtesy of some truly twisted scheduling that put them against Notre Dame, in SAN ANTONIO on HALLOWEEN night. The Cougars let the Irish roll up 23 points before getting a touchdown…and then promptly let Notre Dame put up a “F.U.” TD as time ran out in the first half on the way to a 40-17 win. Wazzu’s only victory this year, a 30-27 win over Southern Methodist, came courtesy of an overtime field goal. I think the only reason the Cougars got the “W” was because the Mustangs must have rolled out their 1983 backfield of Eric Dickerson and Craig James, playing at their current ages.

I know Wazzu coach Paul Wulff is a good guy, a loyal Coug and he got saddled with a couple of weaker-than-usual recruiting classes due to lack of enthusiasm by his predecessor, Bill Doba. But this is the Pac-10, and you got to have horses and real coaching to play in this league. Records of 2-11 and 1-and-likely-11 are not going to be tolerated even by a Wazzu alumni and administration that is happy with going to a bowl every three years.

The Cougs can’t cut it. The school can’t just kick every kid off the team. It’s time to cut ties with the coach and start over. Again.